Childhood abuse

Forced to Participate

I did not get a choice. I could not refuse my father’s desires. I was forced to participate against my will. The last thing I wanted to do at three or five or ten was to hold a knife in my tiny hand. My father wrapped his huge hand around mine and plunged the knife into the victim’s heart. I remembered the sound of crushing cartilage, the blood spurting outward and coating the knife and my hand and his, and the coppery odor filling the air around me.

There is a show on television, a new one, and I find it so triggering. It is called The Following. The show is about teaching others to become serial killers. Something is warped and wrong about that show. I have not been able to watch it all the way through. I literally zone out and go to sleep. The truth smacks me on the face. It is not easy to live with it.

I did not want to be involved with my father’s criminal acts. Yet at age three or five or ten I knew I could not refuse or be the victim of his violence.

Binary Chaos

I rendered Binary Chaos in colored pencil for the year 2000 scare. The round items are CD discs. CD discs hold memories as in files and photographs. I realized this in 2012 as I wrote this. The drawing contains 28 discs. I thought this refers to number of years I was when my father’s worst abuse took place. Two and eight are 10.

The artwork focussed on a face and an eye

The number 12 played a prominent role in this artwork. 12 is part of the binary code. 12 is one of the numbers on the clock which only has an hour hand. 12 is the number which sits at the top of the cauldron-like vessel.

My father committed crimes against 12 children when I was 10.

After studying this artwork further, I added six and eight together which equals 14. Age 14 was the last time I saw my father.

Therefore Binary Chaos contains more about my father than I originally believed.

A Summer in Hell, XII: Associations

Sex is synonymous with kidnap…

and rape…

and torture…

and mutilation…

and death…

and dismembered bodies…

…and more.